Revelation
by jackwabbit
Summary: SPOILERS FOR SUNDAY. SECOND HALF OF SEASON THREE SPOILERS! Carson Rodney Friendship. Episode Tag for Sunday. Rodney has a revelation. For Michael. 1st SGA ficlet.


**Revelation**

Rated: PG

Category: Gen, Episode Tag, Rodney/Carson Friendship

Season: Three

Spoilers: Sunday

Summary: Rodney Has A Revelation

Note: My first SGA fic-please be kind…

Thanks: This one is for Michael.

---

He couldn't stand to be around anyone right now.

He couldn't stand to see anyone smile, or laugh, or even look normal. Not while his stomach felt like it was slowly filling with concrete and his blood seemed like it was turning to lead, moving through his body fast enough to keep him alive, but not fast enough for him to actually function, to actually live. He was only half aware of those around him, but they bothered him all the same.

He had to get away, if only for a while.

He'd found this place years ago, in one of his first explorations of the city, and he came here whenever he needed to be alone. Whenever he needed to think about something really important. The way the water came right up to the edge of the city, like some sort of beach, usually calmed him. As he looked out over the water today, though, the peace that often filled him in this place wouldn't come. He wondered if peace would ever come to him again.

Rodney McKay looked to the sky and a ragged breath escaped his lungs. Historically, he would have been the first person to admit that he wasn't very good at dealing with emotions, especially where other people were involved. In fact, he tended to not get attached to people in general, instead relying on his precious science to get him through life.

But Carson had been different. The Scotsman had charmed his way right through Rodney's defenses and wrapped himself tightly around McKay's cold scientific heart, like a Goa'uld that could never be removed.

Now, that snake constricted tightly around Rodney's beating heart, making it hard to breathe. McKay's vision left him briefly and he staggered backward two steps. As he held one hand to his chest to try to stop the anguish that couldn't be relieved, Rodney doubled over in physical pain for the space of a few heartbeats.

When he recovered enough to stand upright again, McKay gasped in disbelief. There, right next to him, as if nothing had happened, was Carson. The physician's smile lit up the world, and his soft Scottish bur was music to Rodney's ears.

It seemed so normal, like the gentle doctor had just stepped out onto the balcony to get some fresh air and thought he'd visit with a friend while he was at it. So natural. So right that Rodney responded normally, just talking to Carson as if discussing the weather.

The only problem was that the weather wasn't the topic. Carson and Rodney talked about the physician's death as casually as they had discussed fishing a few days earlier.

It was bizarre. It was surreal. Rodney wasn't sure if he was hallucinating something he wanted to see and hear or if, somehow, Carson was really there from beyond, speaking to him, absolving him of his role in this.

Frankly, Rodney didn't care. McKay's scientific brain knew that he was probably suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, complete with delusions, but Rodney somehow, just this once, told his brain to shut the hell up, and he let go of his scientific anchor with abandon.

He latched onto the idea of Carson still being around in some way and visiting him. He consciously chose to believe his friend was back, if only for a moment.

When the moment was over, and Carson was gone again, vanishing with a breeze like a desert mirage, Rodney suddenly felt cold all over, and his sense of loss deepened to a level he wouldn't have thought possible. As he hugged himself in a vain attempt at self comfort, Rodney looked again at the beautiful Lantean horizon, noticing for the first time a group of small bird-like creatures dipping down into the waves to drink while in flight. Somehow the sight made him feel better. He decided Carson was out there somewhere, even if only in the memories of those lives he had touched with his gentle spirit and kind soul. While one part of McKay's brain wondered how the little animals out there could survive on saltwater, another realized that maybe being alive in memory was enough.

A wry smile graced McKay's face then, and while his heart was still shattered into a thousand pieces with grief, a tiny flame of joy began to burn deep in his soul. A joy born of pride to have known a man so rare as Carson, and to have had the opportunity to love him as a brother.

Rodney knew in that moment that he would be ok, eventually. He knew that the joy of Carson's memory would overpower the shadows of grief in time, and that as long as he held Carson in his heart, the doctor would never truly die.

Rodney promised himself that he would take Carson with him to his own dying day. McKay's children and friends would know of the doctor and his deeds. Carson would live forever, through them...never forgotten…and never lost.

Somewhere, far away, a dark haired Scotsman smiled back before continuing on his journey.


End file.
